If you’re on social media at all, you’ve likely heard of the term “work wife” or “work husband,” which describes a fake-spouse relationship between two coworkers. This label is enough to set off even the most trusting of partners. I mean, imagine your husband coming home from a day at the office, claiming he had lunch with his “work wife.” (I’m not even married, and my eye is already twitching.)
This strange, slightly inappropriate yet lighthearted title is sparking a ton of controversy online. Here’s what therapists think about the “work spouse” trend.
What Even Is a ‘Work Wife/Husband’?
According to Amanda Burback, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Mellow Therapy, “a work wife/husband is a close, platonic relationship you have with a friend at your job. They’re your confidant; they support you and have your back, and you both have a shared sense of experience at work.”
When you put it that way, it doesn’t seem as off-putting as its name suggests. However, the use of the titles “work wife” and “work husband” seems like overkill—and can certainly stir the pot in the work spouse’s actual marriages.
“I don’t think people always intend to find a work spouse but welcome the ideal of having a depending partner in a stressful work environment,” says Marriage and Family Therapist Shara McGlothan. “People find comfort in having someone they can rely on and be supported by when there are high standards and immense amounts of pressure.”
“At work, someone sees you at your most competent—it’s far rarer for your spouse to see you in that environment,” Burback adds. “Your work spouse laughs at your jokes, provides emotional support on hard days, collaborates closely with you, and makes you more productive. They provide relief from burnout cause they’re there for you when you’re feeling overwhelmed. You both complement each other’s strengths. Overall, they give you a source of joy and belongingness in the workspace.”
Sounds great. But I’m missing the part where the title “wife” or “husband” is necessary? Oh, right: it’s not!
Is the ‘Work Wife’ and ‘Work Husband’ Trend Harmful?
If you’re asking me, well, I see no reason to label a platonic coworker your “wife” or “husband.” Just call them what they are: your work friend.
According to McGlothan, “Most affairs happen in the workplace,” making this quite the risky dynamic.
“Lines can often get blurred, and a lack of boundaries can damage trust,” she explains. “The label alone can create a sense of betrayal to a partner … The connection of what it means to be wife or husband is translated to another person; even if it’s not followed by behavior, the brain links the label with the commitment.”
Bottom line? While a work friendship might be healthy, it can be a slippery slope if boundaries aren’t in place.
“Where it crosses the line and starts to erode trust is when your work wife/husband becomes the place you go to first for everything,” says Burback. “They hear about intimate details of what’s happening at home or between you and your spouse. Or you find yourself being secretive about texting them, because you know your wife/husband would not approve of what you’re telling them.”
Yup, that’ll do it.
“What makes it harmful isn’t the friendship; it’s when it’s replacing something else at home,” Burback continues. “If all your good energy is going to the work spouse and your wife/husband is left with the version of you that is depleted, logistical, short of patience, or unromantic, that’s a problem. So it’s healthy to ask yourself if this connection at work is adding value to your life, or if it’s slowly becoming a substitute for the relationships at home you may be avoiding.”