I am dating a wonderful man: He is funny, smart and hard-working. I can easily imagine a future with him. But there’s one problem: His teeth are crooked and discolored. I hate to admit it, but this affects my attraction to him. I know this makes me sound shallow. Dental work is expensive, and other things are more important than appearance. But attraction is crucial in relationships. I also think his teeth might hinder him professionally and personally. My mother has already made a few comments. Would it be loving or rude to encourage him to see a dentist to explore fixing his teeth?
DATING
Nothing about your question makes you a bad person. So stop apologizing for it! Attraction, as you note, is important in romantic relationships — as is compromise. (No mate is perfect!) Attraction is also highly individualistic: What bugs you may not bother me, and vice versa. Having said that, let’s be honest here: I don’t believe that concern for your boyfriend’s career is what’s motivating you. You are turned off by his teeth and possibly embarrassed that other people, like your mother, may think less of him (and you, by extension).
You don’t mention how long you’ve been dating or how seriously — and more important, whether you will continue to date him if he doesn’t fix his teeth. So let me ask you this: How would you feel, at this point in your relationship, if your boyfriend asked you to lose weight or to use Botox to make yourself more attractive to him?
For me, a request like this would probably come down to how secure I felt in the relationship. I wouldn’t be crazy about it! But compromise is also important in relationships, and I might be able to tolerate the request from someone who had already demonstrated that he loved me. So your question is a Catch-22: Yes, you can probably raise the issues of orthodontics and teeth whitening with your boyfriend, but only after you have committed to being with him as he is. Otherwise, your request risks coming across as a soft ultimatum and may be hurtful.
No ‘It’s on Me’? That’s on You.
I like treating my friends to drinks and dinner when I can. But I lost my job recently, and money is tight. When friends invite me to restaurants, I tell them I am on a budget and will order only what I can pay for. Recently, a friend invited me to lunch to cheer me up. She picked up the tab, and I thanked her. But later, she sent me a picture of the receipt and asked me to send her money to cover what I had ordered. It was an inexpensive lunch — much cheaper than dinners to which I have treated her — and I can afford to reimburse her. But her lack of generosity upset me. What should I do?
FRIEND
I’m sorry to hear about your job loss. And I admire your instinct to communicate with people in advance about restaurant tabs: It (usually) helps avoid misunderstandings. If someone told me that she was inviting me to lunch to cheer me up, I, too, would assume that she was footing the bill. But apparently, we both misunderstood your friend’s intentions.
You can clarify the miscommunication, if you like: “I’m sorry, I thought you were taking me to lunch.” But if you can afford to pay your share, as you say you can, it would be better to send her the money and make a mental note for the future. People have different ideas of generosity, and there is little upside in quibbling about them. No one owes us lunch — even if we have treated them to lavish dinners.
Private Call as Podcast
I have had depression for most of my life, and I have shared my struggles with my brother in many phone calls over the years. Recently, I heard laughter in the background, and I asked him if I was on speakerphone. He told me that I am always on speakerphone — that his family likes to listen to see if I will say something stupid. That pretty much ended our phone calls. When I tried to elicit an apology from him, he said I was overreacting. Still, I miss the feeling of closeness I had with him. Thoughts?
BROTHER
It’s so disappointing when people are needlessly cruel. I hope that when you asked your brother for an apology, you explained how hurtful it was to learn that he had violated your privacy for laughs. I’m afraid that whatever sense of closeness you felt was not truly reciprocated. You may want to consider a different kind of relationship with your brother. But I would save your confidences for someone more compassionate.
Looking Out (and Behind) for a Pal
I was sitting side by side with a dear friend on my porch when I noticed that she had a large blackhead behind her ear — where she may not see it. If I were in her position, I would want to know about it. Should I tell her?
FRIEND
When I consider issues like these, I think: How awkward is this conversation? And am I the best person to have it? We all get blemishes, so it’s not an especially sensitive issue. And if this woman is a dear friend, as you say, I can’t see the harm in telling her privately about the blackhead. Go for it!
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.