Anyone with eyes can see that Monday night’s World Cup game was rigged. Team USA is winning, 0–0, and then suddenly all these goals start coming in for Belgium? Bang, bang, bang, one after the other, just like that? Very suspicious. But don’t worry. Your favorite president is on the case!
I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I said, “Is this a Dominion scoreboard?” This is why we need the SAVE Act. This right here! You are telling me that this little teeny country full of chocolates and surrealism and little statues urinating into fountains can beat the USA at football? No way. Has your head been replaced with a green apple? You don’t have to be Tintin the boy journaliste to know that that is not a pipe. Treachery, without a doubt! I saw them sneaking into the scoring places with more goals concealed in the small compartments of their waffles.
If we need more footage to make the case, I can supply some! Look! You can clearly see in my video that something shady is afoot. Having six fingers apiece obviously gave the Belgian team an unfair advantage.
I am going to talk to the head of FIFA and we’re going to get to the bottom of it. I know the rules of football, and what we saw out there—all this kicking the ball around, head-butting it, no helmets—looked nothing like football. They weren’t playing fair!
I think Infantino will see reason. And if he doesn’t, I know some guys who will storm the field at a moment’s notice to stop the count. They already have the outfits.
By the time we are done, we will be winning by 20, 30, maybe even 50 points! And as long as I am on the phone, we are going to solve a few other little crises. The temperatures, for instance. They are all coming out too high. We need to stop the count just a little sooner so that people can enjoy themselves on the Mall safely, which they could do if we stopped the thermometer in the mid-70s. Same thing with the air-quality index. We have beautiful, clean air, and the index should reflect that! Sometimes they claim that there is lightning; we will just roll that down to No Lightning. And, as I am always saying, everyone’s complaints about the Iran situation could be resolved in an instant if people would just agree to report that we won by a mile. I have yet to get the right person on the phone.
Also at the gas pump, and in the grocery store. They are letting the numbers there get too high. When I am done talking to Infantino, we’ll get that all worked out. And then we will fix the number of performers who agreed to perform at my wonderful festival for the Fourth of July!
We’ll call the algae too. Tell them we are giving them a red card and they need to get right out of that pool! Pronto!
I am also going to have J. D. Vance talk to the head of the Smithsonian about the so-called winners and losers of these conflicts of the past—for example, the U.S. Civil War. The only reason the South has had such terrible numbers for so long was they didn’t know the right people to speak with to get them changed. We’ll get all those textbooks and museums straightened out.
Why win when you can cheat? Why win when you can badger the story into changing? With these guiding principles in mind, there’s very little you can’t do. Well, except win, fair and square. But that’s all right. Winning is for losers, anyway.
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