Most men have a person they’ve never fully stopped thinking about. The research on why is more interesting than the pop culture version.
According to UC Berkeley social psychology researcher Maria Luciani, studies show men are more likely than women to regret romantic “missed opportunities,” while women are more likely to regret relationships that actually happened. That’s a telling difference. For many men, the ghost of a relationship that never fully materialized sticks around longer than one that ran its course.
Metro spoke to a handful of men about how often they think about the one that got away, and the answers ranged from uncomfortable to striking. Ciaran, 37, has been married for 18 years and describes his marriage as happy—and still thinks about an ex almost daily, 21 years on. Oscar, 45, says that at the height of it, he thought about a former love every hour.
Alex, 35, has two people who cross his mind regularly—one he dated, one he never did—and frames both in terms of what they represent. “These two girls represent a simpler time for me,” he told Metro. “Thinking about the ones that got away can bring back the way things felt back then, even if just for a moment.”
The Psychology Behind Pining for ‘The One That Got Away’
The psychology behind it is less romantic than the feeling itself. Luciani describes the phenomenon as “relationship or sexual nostalgia,” and notes that it functions differently depending on how someone approaches it. Nostalgia, unlike rumination or counterfactual thinking, tends to pull people toward positive memories rather than bitterness—which is part of why it’s so easy to revisit. The brain isn’t replaying what actually happened. It’s replaying a curated version of it.
Research published in the European Journal of Social Psychology found that nostalgic memories of an ex can actually improve how someone feels about their current relationship, partly because the reflection promotes a sense of personal growth. The problem is when the nostalgia tips into fixation—which, according to sex and relationship expert Gigi Engle, is where it gets a little tricky. “It’s ok to miss that person,” Engle told Metro, “but becoming so incredibly fixated on the one that got away to the point that you’re sabotaging yourself or your relationship or comparing everyone to an ex isn’t healthy and needs to be addressed.”
Not every story is about timing or circumstance. Ahaan, 23, cheated on a girlfriend in college and has spent years watching her build the life she wanted with someone else. “The worst part is knowing that she didn’t get away,” he told Metro. “I let her go.”