I recently wrote an article about the latest dating trend called “friendfluence,” which essentially involves letting your friends influence your dating life. With International Day of Friendship just around the corner on July 30, it’s important to recognize the many roles our friends play in our lives.
Recent data from Hily Dating App analyzed friendfluence in actions, finding that nearly half of women (and 1 in 3 men) say a friend’s opinion shapes how they view someone they’re dating—even when it contradicts their own first impression.
While some input from friends can be helpful, too much can cloud your own judgment and discernment. In fact, 43% of women and 30% of men admit friends’ opinions have negatively affected their dating decisions.
This begs the question: How can you tell the difference between advice worth taking and advice that might sabotage your dating life? Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, relationship expert at Hily Dating App and Harvard-trained clinical psychologist, gave VICE some tips for considering your friends’ input without losing your own voice.
1. Look Out for Negative Patterns
Unfortunately, some friends don’t even realize they’re projecting their own negative experiences onto you. Odds are, if someone continues to find the bad in a situation, they might be viewing it only through their biased lens.
“If your chronically single friend is constantly telling you to break up with your partner after any sign of difference or difficulty, you may want to question that feedback,” says Dr. Romanoff. “The most important signal is a pattern of advice that would lead you to a life that looks like theirs, which means they may be trying to recruit you into their circumstances instead of truly wanting the best for you and helping you navigate your situation. If you notice this, appreciate their help, but filter it through your own judgment or turn to them less often for this part of your life.”
2. Prioritize Honesty Over Sugar-Coating
It can be difficult to accept the cold truth that your partner is not treating you well, or perhaps the opposite: you’re taking your partner for granted. Whatever the case, sometimes, we need that objective, third-party perspective to really grasp the reality of the situation. Trust friends who are honest with you, yet kind in their delivery.
“We might initially flinch or punish the messenger, but the people who care most about us are usually willing to say the difficult thing,” says Dr. Romanoff. “Look for friends who play devil’s advocate and challenge your strongly held positions instead of just people-pleasing.”
3. Beware of Jealousy
If your friend has a history of projecting their jealousy onto you, be more careful when considering their advice. Sometimes, envy bleeds into input.
“It can be incredibly challenging for any human to get a front-row seat to something they desperately want but don’t have. Some people struggle to sit with their jealousy and envy, and may resort to trying to bring you down or take it from you,” says Dr. Romanoff. “This can show up as that friend who constantly points out flaws in someone you’re really excited about. They may be even more subtle by saying you can ‘do better,’ or convince you that your partner isn’t as invested as they seem without any real evidence.”
Of course, the key here is exactly that: There’s no real proof that what they’re saying is true. Rather, it’s grounded in their own unhappiness.
“The intent is the same: to make you feel bad about the relationship,” she adds. “Rather than helping you make a thoughtful dating decision, based on what you need in the situation, they’re creating doubt that keeps you from pursuing a relationship they may envy.”
4. Consider Input From Friends Who’ve Been in Your Shoes
When I first found myself single in my mid-20s after a six-year relationship, I was terrified to get out there and date for the first time as an adult. One of the toughest experiences, however, was being surrounded by people in long-term relationships who had no previous dating experiences.
While their advice was great in many ways, I didn’t feel I had anyone who truly understood my grievances: dating app horrors, lonely nights, gut-wrenching breakups, the emotional whiplash of being love-bombed then discarded.
Thankfully, over time, I found friends who were in similar stages of life and could empathize with my situation. Of course, I still considered my other friends’ perspectives, but I now had more well-rounded input.
“We don’t respond well to being told what to do. Instead, we want guidance, or to learn what others did in a similar spot, so we can feel best equipped to make the choice that’s best for us,” says Dr. Romanoff. “For example, if your friends navigated long-distance relationships, recovered from unhealthy dynamics, or built a healthy partnership after years of dating, they can offer perspective that’s grounded in experience … Instead of preaching to you whether to stay or leave, they’ll explain what they learned and trust you to decide what fits your instinct in the situation and your own relationship.”
5. Take Advice From Friends in Relationships You Admire
If your friend is in a relationship that you would never want for yourself, why put their advice on a pedestal over your own intuitive feelings? Just because a certain dynamic works for them doesn’t mean it works for you.
On the other hand, if your friend is in the type of healthy relationship you crave, their insight might be more valuable and relevant to you—so long as they don’t have a holier-than-thou attitude about it.
“If you admire your friend and an aspect of their life, their perspective is worth hearing, so you can try to emulate this in your own life,” says Dr. Romanoff. “They can serve as a mentor with tangible proof of success. The same applies to dating advice. If they consistently build healthy, respectful relationships and communicate well with their partner, they’re highly likely to be a stronger source of guidance than someone whose relationships repeatedly end for the same unresolved reasons.”