When I first set out to write this article, I fully intended to call out partners who use their perceived victimhood as manipulation in relationships. However, after interviewing a therapist, I quickly understood that the victim mentality doesn’t always mean what we think it does. In fact, many people fall into this disempowered mindset as a result of trauma, chronic invalidation, or hypercriticism from those around them.
Of course, that’s not to say they should continue playing the victim card, especially when it hurts those they love. But the topic is a bit more nuanced than most of us realize. And when you’re in a relationship with someone, you should want to support their growth, not shame their coping mechanisms. This doesn’t mean letting them get away with mistreatment or lack of accountability, but rather approaching their habits with curiosity and empathy.
Here are some signs your partner has a victim mentality—and how to address it with compassion.
1. You’re Doing All the Emotional Labor
One person cannot carry all the emotional labor in a relationship, as it will almost undoubtedly lead to exhaustion and resentment. However, when a partner has a victim mentality, they might avoid this responsibility and expect their partner to solve their issues.
“If one partner feels like they have to do the emotional work in a relationship, it will affect their ability to connect and be present,” said Claudia Johnson, MA, LMFT, CST, ABS, owner and clinical director at PNW Sex Therapy Collective. “You might end up having the same argument over and over again because when you talk about it, one person won’t be able to take ownership for their actions or follow through with what they may have promised. That can leave folks feeling drained, hopeless, invalidated, upset, or lonely.”
2. You’re the Only One Repairing Conflict
Conflict resolution only works if both parties can take accountability and work as a team to repair. Unfortunately, a partner who can’t repair might be wallowing in their own sense of victimhood.
“If your partner can’t tolerate seeing themselves as responsible in some way, they’ll likely feel attacked when you bring up an issue,” said Johnson. “To navigate conflicts effectively, couples must practice accountability with one another; otherwise, defensiveness and resentment will set in, and it will be a lot easier for partners to push away from each other.”
3. They See Themselves As Powerless
Many people with victim mindsets view themselves as helpless, unable to acknowledge their own power.
“I prefer to think of things in terms of whether someone habitually perceives themselves as powerless or viewing life as happening to them, rather than with them,” Johnson pointed out.
4. They Avoid Blame and Accountability
Someone with a victim mentality might choose to blame others (exes, friends, current partners, etc.) for their issues rather than taking accountability for the role they played. While this subconsciously takes away their own power, it can also feel comforting for them to avoid shame.
“Accountability can feel like judgment, criticism, and rejection to a partner who feels persecuted,” Johnson explained. “This behavior is rarely about someone’s character. Usually, what we’re seeing are a set of learned responses.”
What Drives a Victim Mentality?
Someone who plays the victim in a relationship might avoid responsibility or accountability, adopting a “why me?” attitude—but it’s not always malicious intent.
“I tend to approach phrases like ‘victim mentality’ with caution,” said Johnson. “While the irritation they can cause is certainly valid, there’s a real danger of them dismissing someone’s actual experiences or the effects of trauma.”
Johnson unlocked something within her following explanation, helping me realize what’s fueled my own victim mentality during difficult times in my past: “Some partners learned early in life that the world around them was chaotic, critical, or emotionally unsafe,” she revealed. “They grew up believing they had little to no control over what happened to them. Others have experienced trauma, chronic invalidation, or been in relationships where assuming responsibility felt threatening to their safety (for example: if admitting fault resulted in shame or punishment).”
When you put it like that, it’s easy to empathize with a partner who’s operating from this headspace. However, it’s also crucial you stop enabling their continued victim mindset, as it can be harmful to you and to themselves.
“For some, it’s simply less daunting to adopt a victim stance than to risk falling short or being exposed. Staying powerless can feel like the safer option. When you look at it that way, what seems like “playing the victim” is frequently more about self-protection than a deliberate choice.
How to Address a Partner Who Plays Victim
According to Johnson, one of the best ways to address someone with a victim mentality is through compassion, not criticism.
“Don’t say things like ‘You always play the victim,’” she said. “Instead, try to identify the behavior you want to change and how it makes you feel.”
By doing this, you’re not becoming another hypercritical, shaming force in their life—like the ones that probably fueled the victim mentality to begin with. From here, you can prioritize empowering them to take control of their own life, choices, and role in the relationship.
“Encourage your partner to focus on actionability rather than blame. Ask them, ‘What can we do differently?’ instead of ‘Who’s fault was this?’” Johnson recommended. “Shifting the focus can really help to move away from defense mode.”