Well, we finally made it, guys: America’s 250th birthday. That’s right, today we celebrate 250 long years of making so much noise on the Fourth of July that people who don’t wish to celebrate the holiday are literally forced to be a part of our celebration. And when you think about it, is there anything more American than that?
To commemorate this special occasion, here’s a selection of Independence Day-themed jokes we threw together from some of comedy’s biggest names.
10. STEPHEN COLBERT
“This is our birthday coming up. The only holiday where people are cool when you start settin’ stuff on fire.”
9. NORM MACDONALD
“On this 4th of July it is time to love your enemies and see how many friends it costs you.”
8. CONAN O’BRIEN
“Just found out that every Fourth of July, the British celebrate ‘We Dodged a Bullet Day.’”
7. CHRIS ROCK
“Happy white people’s Independence Day. The slaves weren’t free, but I’m sure they enjoyed fireworks.”
6. JIMMY FALLON
“Airlines are expecting 3.4 million travelers for the Fourth of July. Yeah, and getting into the spirit there, United’s gonna throw some firecrackers at the people in coach.”
5. JOHNNY CARSON
“Everybody has their own way of celebrating the Fourth of July. For instance, the oil companies are going to celebrate by sending the price of gas skyrocketing.”
4. BILL MAHER
“Happy Fourth of July, everybody. Is it too late to have England take us back?”
3. STEPHEN MERCHANT
“Do you really still have to celebrate your emancipation from us? I mean, that’s like your girlfriend breaking up with you and then celebrating with fireworks—every year, for three hundred years.”
2. GEORGE CARLIN
“If you can make someone believe that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who’s watching everything you do, and keeping count of everything you do—which is good and which is bad—then you can make that person believe anything after that. You can add anything you want. The Fourth of July shit just rolls right in. Land of the free, home of the brave, the press is fair and impartial…”
1. JIM GAFFIGAN
“Mostly, we use holidays so we can eat more. ‘I normally don’t have a burger, a brat, and a steak, but it is Fourth of July. And I need the energy if I’m gonna start blowin’ crap up. That’s what the Founding Fathers would want.’”